Back to the Edge: Inebriated by Misguided Loyalty, University politics and Vancouver Real Estate....

Lidia Yuknavitch is a hard act to follow. 

But… back to the edge and my story.  For context to the following… read my post on September 2... if you haven't already.  

Long Beach. Miles of stranded and lost jelly fish... as I felt in 2007

The gong show… first go-around, happened in 2007. The man I’d loved forever, left me for dogged pursuit of youth… his... Chapter one. Then after three years apart, I took him back… with a misguided determination to love and accept him for who he was. The narcissistic nurse/ fixer upper in me, determined to absolve and heal the narcissistic adolescent in him.  Silly... silly me!!!!  I was inebriated by denial, loyalty, tenacity and a misguided sense of purpose.  But, not before a whirly round of emotional whip lashes and virtual body bruises that would have sent me directly to bed had it not been for a semester of courses to prep for, a gaggle of students to teach, a tedium of meetings to chair, university politics to stay clear of, a painfully long commute, a side business to manage and… unbeknownst to me at the time … a new grandbaby on the way.  Life was busy. At 53, round one saw me sucker punched.  But… I felt purposeful.  Valid.  People needed me.

During those 3 years of estrangement from my partner…. as I bore witness to his arrested development and stupidly pined for reconciliation…. Red Flag! Red Flag!  Red Flag!  Where was Dr. Laura when I needed her?.... I was laid off twice from my university teaching position. (University politics is down and dirty at the best of times.  In the worst of times, it felt like a battle of David and Goliath.) 

     

My Goliath!  

“David”… that’s me!.... won the first round.  Thanks to my savvy financial advisor and an opportunistic accountant …. my argument testifying for inappropriate dismissal was confirmed and approved.  The university powers-that-be relented.  I received a decent severance package.  And, then… I was rehired!!!  For a few minutes I felt triumphant!  But, less than a year later, the whole mucky muck started all over again and I was laid off for the second time.  This time, I surrendered in favour of sanity. I accepted this as an opportunity to be the fulltime artist I always wanted to be. I reluctantly retired from teaching at 55. Plan B?  

While my personal drama of betrayal and loss slithered painfully along, my middle sister’s husband was diagnosed with brain cancer.  He was 49 when he first got the awful, devastating, life crushing news. Thus began a 3 year battle that both my sister and her husband were destined to lose. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to be much of a supporter, but I offered what I could.  My brother-in-law died at age 52.

 

Four months later, my mother… with whom I shared a very close relationship… suffered a massive heart attack that took her out suddenly at 78. That’s young in todays world. The loss of my most ardent cheerleader and compatriot in misguided thinking, was and still is, enormous.  

Beautiful Mom and her chickadees

In light of the layoff and because I needed to downsize my expenses, I decided to sell my house... the one I’d lived in, raised my son in and cherished.  My adult son was horrified!  He still hasn’t forgiven me! 

Since I loved my house, I naturally thought everyone else would too. I expected it to sell in record time and well above the list price. Not an unfamiliar scenario in Vancouver’s surreal/unreal and volatile real estate market. But… I listed it a few weeks too late for a fast, profitable outcome.  The house languished on the market for a couple of months before selling well below my original price. I miss the enveloping, familiar and comforting threshold of my modest but beautiful, little, character home, circa 1929. I don’t miss the gardening, the mortgage and ongoing expenses of owning a house. Today I live in a new townhome. I haven’t quite adjusted. It feels like a hotel!!! 

And, then… I put my cat down. 

In less than 3 years, I lost the man I loved, a relationship I’d worked hard for.  I lost sex!! I lost a job I loved…. twice!  I gave up my nest and my neighbourhood. My best friend of 35 years, died young of complications related to MS, my brother-in-law died, then my mother…. and then, my cat! Thus began a series of secondary losses as my immediate family lost hold… of each other.... and spiralled apart. Yikes!!!  In terms of loss and grief, the universe was making up for lost time. 

Then, just 6 months ago... because I have to learn everything atleast twice...the whole shit-a-roo happened all over again!!!  

And… that’s what brought me to the edge.  Not to the edge of sanity.  But, to the edge of loss, body numbing grief, introspection, rumination and confidence. In the blogs ahead I’ll tell you about the journey back and making acquaintance with my inner child.  It’s still a work in progress. One that includes the kick-ass girls I’m so blessed to have in my life. They are my posse.  My docents. My brazen ones. My angels.  

Little me! The child I lost sight of. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t pretend that my story is unique. By the time we reach 60 it can be the norm.  For men as well as for women.  These are the voices over 50 that I want to hear…. loudly.  How women... and even men... rise above the ashes of their own lives and turn into phoenixes. These are the stories I want to share.   

    

Note:  There is a basic rule of disclosure.  I’ll tell you my story… if you tell me yours.  I’m ready to listen.  Follow me and comment. 

Blissful ignorance and "Wild." The calm before the second storm. 2011