I’ll confess that like many women I know… those who listen
to the CBC…. I really liked Jian as a broadcaster. I looked forward to the old Q and I still
miss him on air. But, I also believe… he
did it. Too many women came forward with
similar Jian encounters for me to doubt.
I believe the women's stories because I recognize a familiar ambivalence in their telling and
I value anecdotal, qualitative sharing. But.... I also understand why the testimonies of the women cast legal doubt. Puzzling questions remain as to why the women
lied and gave inconsistent testimony. I
believe the answers lie in a psychology of women that we need to
understand with intent and seriousness. We owe it to ourselves.
Marla Levy , in a recent opinion piece she wrote for the Vancouver
Sun in response to Jian's verdict, proposes that…. “As outsiders, we don’t have to understand the host of reasons
why women delay reporting or maintain contact with an accused…” I disagree. I
think we absolutely do need to understand why women delay reporting, maintain
contact with their accusers and can’t provide socially acceptable reasons for
doing so. We need to bring this
discussion into the public domain because it’s the reason why intelligent,
articulate, accomplished women have difficulty telling consistent stories on
the stand. And, I’m going to propose that
they simply don’t understand the reasons themselves. Otherwise, they would have been more
credible. Therefore, I do agree with Marla when she goes on to say
that… “ we do need to understand that such behaviour is commonplace
and has no bearing, legal or otherwise, on the truth of their allegations.”
“Asking the legal system to tease this out, to get at the
truth, may be asking too much…” Again…. Marla’s right! The legal system, dependent on empirical and quantitative
evidence as it is, is not capable of teasing out the ambiguities of human behavior. Furthermore, the legal system, grounded as it
is in an old school and tired patriarchy, is incapable of understanding or
accepting the nuances of female behaviour.
The legal system and those who participate in it seek clarity and a hopeful
structure to human behavior that is not inclusive of anecdotal, qualitative
testimony. Rules, that the legal system
so desperately seeks to apply to emotionally charged cases, are incompatible with human behaviour. Especially a behaviour under stress. Human behavior is never
black and white. The lines are always ambiguous. Emotion is mysterious and vague. It’s grey.
It’s dark. It’s the scary bits. And… when rules are applied they are based on
male emotions and models of behaviour… not female.
From my experience, I would say that men are characteristically
disinterested in understanding the mysteries of female emotions and behavior. Afterall, men still stand to benefit the most
from societal norms that, despite 50 plus years of a second wave of feminism, are
still entrenched in patriarchy. But, this is a moot point because it would benefit everyone if they… men… could take the scary, but
necessary plunge, and ruminate on their own wounded psyche.
So ladies, here it is.
It‘s contingent on us to consider the origins of our most contradictory behaviors
that don’t serve us well. We need to steal
some “me time” and stop trying to understand the children and men in our lives in
order to engage in an inward discovery of our own self-esteem and confidence in
order to help us take responsibility for our reasons for doing things that don't make sense. We need to take matters into our
own hands so that we can testify… in any venue… to our life experiences more
effectively. We need to take
responsibility so that we can stop the emotional bleed.
I believe that some contradictory, inconsistent and even doubtful
female behavior could be rooted in the persistent… until we recognize it…. need
of many women (including moi!) to forever seek… from the men
in their lives,… a quality of approval
and acknowledgment that they never got from their disengaged and emotionally
absent fathers. We... women... have to accept that most men aren't capable of giving us the acknowledgement we seek. In short, even
articulate, accomplished, professionally confident women are disabled in their
adult relationships with men by their need to fill a void of invisibility that
they were forced to adapt to in their fractured relationships with their emotionally
arrested fathers. As a result, women who
did not have capable fathers (the boomer s and X’ers), are hardwired to do almost anything to fill
the void of absence…. even if it means engaging with men who are deeply wounded
and disabled themselves. Men need healing too.
Simply identifying and accepting our gender differences, as
was popular among self-helpers in the late 1990’s…e.g. “Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus” (1992)… is not enough. We need to delve deeper. We
need to plunge into the grey. We need to
get dirty. We need to get acquainted
with, and heal, our child within. I speak
from my own personal experience. I speak
from observing many of my dynamic, ambitious, accomplished, kick-ass women
friends excel in their professional lives, but struggle to feel fulfilled in
their romantic relationships with men.
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| Artist: Gary Price, K Newby Gallery & Sculpture Garden, Tubac, AZ |
I’m done with blaming men.
They need to do their own healing.
I’m going to take responsibility
for mine. I believe that the only way to
find a healing path…. years after the wound was inflicted… is with reflection
and vigorous, but finite, counselling. A
type of analytical counselling that was founded by Carl Jung and has been
embraced more recently by Alan Watts, John Bradshaw, art therapy, music therapy
and any number of 12 step programs. Self-awareness
is a good start… but not efficient. Self-respect is learned. It comes with experience and maturity. Reading self-help books is helpful… but not
enough. Reflective counselling isn’t
enough. Oprah’s definitely not enough. Guided meditation isn’t enough. Girlfriends… bless them all… aren’t enough. It takes hip waders to get into the muck of
our messy childhoods. It takes remarkable
self-awareness, courage and direction to delve into the depths within. It takes fierce determination to face the
pain of our early abandonment.
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| Artist: Gary Price, K Newby Gallery & Sculpture Garden, Tubac, AZ |
I believe that I would have been a better mother to my son had I sought to know my own inside before looking outside. I believe that the women who encountered Jian Ghomeshi would not have agreed to and gone back for more attention in the form of angry/abusive sex if they had heard, encountered and honored their inner child before consenting. I believe that men and women would have the tools to support, enrich and enjoy each other more if we all put our hip waders on.
It might be too late for me to find a healthy, loving
relationship with an enlightened man my own age. Sadly, I don’t have a lot of confidence that
there are m/any enlightened boomer men in my orbit or even an X’er who is
willing to take on the journey. But… I
have great hope for the Y’ers (my son) and the Z’ers (my grandson). Although I see them struggling in their
relationships with women, I also see them as devoted, hands-on, down-in-the-muck-with-the-kids,
daddies. Some of this might be due to
arrested development. But, that’s
another analysis… and, I’m hopeful that as wounded humans we’re open to
learning. We’re open to evolving. We’re getting to somewhere kinder and more
generous. I’m really hopeful that the
women who testified against Jian get good analytical counselling. They’re going to need some big hugs.
If
you’re interested in the name of my counselor, I’ll share it privately.
If you
want to read other's opinions about the outcome of Jian’s trial:
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| Artist: Gary Price, K Newby Gallery & Sculpture Garden, Tubac AZ |
