The Silence

Bring on 2016!  I’m ready to kick 2015 to the Been there/ Done that!… dust bin.  Someone else will no doubt pick up the heartache and continue the universal journey of a life suddenly stolen. 

Honestly, I think I navigated the stony path… the slimy cess pool… the underbelly of doubt and uncertainty that this past year served me… pretty well.  I’m still learning to recognize curve balls. That’s my biggest challenge. To take off the rose coloured glasses of romance, make believe and delusion… and accept that not everyone has conscious, mindful, good intentions.  Not because the “everyones” I speak of are bad people. (I don’t believe in bad people. I believe in wounded people.)  But, because they are terrified of looking into their hearts for fear of what they might find there.  Because they can’t give love when they don’t know how to receive it.  Because narcissism is a cover for paralyzing fear… of invisibility. And because at the end of the day what narcissists want more than anything is to be seen…. at all costs… take no prisoners… for better or for worse… and not necessarily by the people who love them the most. That’s far too threatening. The human condition is forever ironic.

   

And so… my journey now… going it alone… as for so many women my age…. is about finding new purpose.  Changing direction.  Looking inside instead of out.  Learning how to sit still. Learning how… in the words of my middle sister… to live “the slow life.” (She’s much better at this than I am.)  Learning how to say, “It’s MY turn!” Learning how to set boundaries. Learning how to put me first.  Learning how to be just a wee bit selfish. 

Learning how to be selfish would be easier if I could deny... indeed defy... my upbringing, the dogma of repetitious family expectations, the guilt of mothering... poorly, at times... and my true nature. I was raised to be the good girl.  And so… it’s not!  Easy, that is! Personal counselling has taught me that as the oldest girl/ daughter/ grandaughter…. I was reared to be obedient and loyal and trusting… against some odds, I might add!. Sure… the usual battery of social expectations that were imposed on all girls growing up in the 60’s and 70‘s… ensured my path. But, my personality… plus a set of unique and tragic circumstances that pre-dated my birth and defined my family, are even more relevant reasons why it was easy for me to put blinders on and hang on way too long to relationships that did not serve me well.

 

So, now the question is… what’s next?  What do kick-ass, nurturing women do when the children leave… well, sort of?  The old codger succumbs to arrested development…and fear?  Family members die?  (miss you, Mom!)  Friends die? (miss you K and A). The career in advanced public ed is swept out from under you? (That’s another story!) What do kick-ass, nurturing women do… when we’re faced with... the silence? 

OK!  I know the answers!!!  I’m a big reader. I’ve read Ekhart Tolle.  Pema Chodron (“When Things Fall Apart.” My favorite!), Don Miguel Ruiz. Brene Brown. Cheryl Strayed.  Elizabeth Gilbert (I loved “Big Magic!”). Sometimes… guilt alert!!!... I even watch Super Soul Sunday!  I meditate and pray… when I walk.  Yes… I know the answers!  But… the silence… it's a shock. 

Don't get me wrong. My posse of kick-ass women can be a noisy bunch. My son and grandson can certainly create some wanted… and unwanted… commotion. I’m grateful for the comforting, familiar, opinionated noise from my two equally determined, supportive, kick-ass sisters. I'm grateful for the noisy, if somewhat entitled, men in my life.  But… I once led a pretty big life. I’m not quite ready to hang up my shingle. The silence…now that the kids are gone, the man is gone, the career is gone, youth is gone... is deafening! 

Yes... I know what I have to do. Say yes… to everything!  Say yes… to staying trim and fit and healthy.  I do my best!  Say yes… to accepting a wise beauty… if not a youthful one. Hmmm… still working on that!  Say yes… to travel.  I do… and I will.  Say yes… to building a small house on a tiny nose of land that points south. That’s my next big project.  Say yes… to giving back to my community, my family, my friends.  Say yes… to being a better grammy than I was a mother.  Say yes… to getting back into my studio, daily… where making is my best friend.  Say yes… to the men folk. I won’t succumb to anger. I know there are less fearful, less entitled men out there. Especially among the  Xer’s, Yer’s etc.  Say yes… to forgiveness… of myself.  But, mostly, I think I’m obliged to say yes… to the silence.

Happy New Year!

Bring it On!

May the Force Be With You!