It seems to me that this apparent exodus... please allow my disparaging exaggeration!!!.... of white men folk seeking... what?... in the arms of seemingly child-like Asian women... contributes to a huge loss to white, western women... of all ages! And... to Asian men! Especially in a country like Vietnam, where men already outnumber women due to religious and political restrictions. (See my previous post titled The Floating Women for my ruminations on this dilemma.)
Thai women are far less sexy and mysterious and enigmatic and ethereal and feminine looking than Vietnamese women. And, I would say, far less beautiful.
So, why are so many western men drawn to women who are not from their own "tribe?" My recently abandoned heart wants to say it's all about the sex!!! But, my critical thinking mind suggests there might be more to these cross cultural unions than meets my wounded eye.
In an effort to be forgiving, compassionate and open-minded, my gut says it's not just about the sex. It's possible... even probable... that western men ... especially those suffering from arrested emotional development... are seeking something they can't get from independence-seeking, confident, ambitious, kick-ass, western women who are no longer willing to make the compromises necessary to "mother" their men. In terms of enlightenment and emotional ambition.... as the 1980's cigarette ad claimed proudly... "We've come a long way, baby!" Sadly... for us western ladies... we've out done most men in terms of enlightenment and emotional development. And...they... "our" men!... don't want... or don't know how... to equal the apparent imbalance of our dissatisfaction and expectations.
Is it fear? That they... "our men" will never measure up to our over zealous, perfectionist wants and desires? Fear of aging? Fear of loss of importance? Fear of loss of significance? Fear of loss of stature? Or is it fear... of fear?
OK... no big surprises here! Given my knowledge... and assumptions... of how women take ownership... or not... of their independence on both sides of the cultural divide. Western women have born witness to a steady exodus... permission requested, again!... of their men i to the arms of Asian women for decades. One might say it's all part of the global economic exchange. But, Tar's comments make for an interesting validation from the Thai, female perspective.
In all fairness, I do want to get a male perspective. I do want to know about this from the men folk. Not sure if they want to talk to me though. It takes courage to talk through shame and embarrassment. Especially to a woman... me!... still showing obvious signs of betrayal.
I can say that I know a Canadian guy... my age.. who married a Thai woman... not that much younger than himself... and had a daughter with her. The marriage ended badly. She betrayed him with a man from France. He was devastated, but quickly took up with another Thai woman. I lost touch with him when he closed his export business in Vancouver and moved back to Thailand full time. But, I can see from his postings on FB... and my point here... is that he spends alot of time with his daughter and seems to be a devoted, appreciative and proud papa. He got a daughter out of the deal.
During our time here on Koh Chang, our beach chairs are situated right next to an older German man and his Thai girlfriend. Neither speaks English. My first impulse was to say something disparaging and offensive to the man. But, I have to admit that as we try to communicate with smiles and fragments of English, I'm warming to them both. He seems caring towards her. And he speaks Thai! That goes a long way in my books. It looks like he's in for the long haul. It looks like he's made an effort?
I doubt I'll ever have answers to all my questions. I'll never know for sure what's going on in the heads and hearts of our men... because I don't think our men know themselves. But... I will say this... it hurts to think that I, as a western woman, is being rejected by my own tribe for all the things I feel most proud of: confidence, maturity, financial and emotional independence, critical thinking, emotional intelligence, good health, good fitness... and more. Perhaps I'm taking this to personally. But, in North America... from my wounded perspective... it already feels like there are too few men to go around. Regardless of age! These sightings... here in this highly sexualized country... this loss... makes my loss hurt more!!!
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Interesting post Julie. Your sadness, hurt and disappointment comes through clearly. I think men understand themselves quite well. I think that many Western women don't accept what they find in men; wanting men to 'be different', to connect emotionally, when all their lives they are taught to suppress that part of themselves. There's safety and escape in work. I know. I've used work to distract from emotional pain. Simplistically, I think women, along with work, are part a man's ego need. I think that male motivation is about competing with other men for work and women, protecting their access to sex. They grow up, get a job, buy a car, get a girlfriend, give presents, and invest their time and energy into keeping and pleasing a woman. I think that a man will do anything for a woman he believes he can trust and please. I think it's less about sex than about their ability to please a woman. My understanding from the men I know is that if a man doesn't think he can please a woman, his ego takes a huge hit. A man will stay with a woman because he loves her, but if he loses his ability to please her, or they evolve differently, he (and she) will lose interest in the relationship. I think Intellectual, self sufficient, educated Western women are looking for something that exists in few Western men. In our 'tribe' the pool of 'equal' men is smaller; they are out there, but perhaps not in our age group-hence older men with young Asian women. Statistically, women are now more educated than men. The majority of men work in the trades. Is there any common ground? I am hopeful for future generations as men, with the support of women, redefine their role.
ReplyDeleteThe women's movement declared war in that they fought to gain power and control over their lives. Although the battle won was justified, women and men didn't follow through with post war peace talks. Negotiating peace time behaviour is difficult. There's always underground resistance and resentment to changes. Political correctness and affirmative action seem to be like the iceberg above the water. What lurks below is larger and can do more damage. E.g. Donald Trump. Terrifying.
We women may have outsmarted ourselves. Although we've gained much in terms of rights and legislation, the outcome is a culture where relationships are much more broadly defined and men’s roles and opportunities uncertain: Hence the formation and appeal of gangs and terrorist groups (e.g., Al Qaida, ISIS, etc.). In Western culture, men's seemingly unlimited access to sex supports some men's reluctance to commit. Women can now support themselves and a child on their own. Men no longer have to commit. I think women want the same things they wanted prior to gaining rights and recognition, i.e., family, monogamy, children, safety, financial and emotional security, protection, status, etc. but while women evolved, out father's and our generations didn't necessarily. They have adapted where they've had to, but willingly? I doubt it. There's one thing women can't control, change or negotiate -- men's decisions around relationships and sex. Shotgun weddings are gone.
Or, maybe, I should try thinking like a man, stop analyzing and just say, "I do what I do, because I can." I don't want to grow emotionally and I don't have to." "I'm not enlightened and I choose not to be." "I want sex on my terms, with a young woman because I prefer younger women, they make me feel young and desirable." "I don't fear death. I fear not living as I choose to."
Just some thoughts after reading your post...Oh, btw: I wouldn't toss out a youngerish man if one presented. I just wouldn't want to fall in love with him. :-)
Love you!